For A Lifetime

The last week has been hectic. I tried to calm myself down with yoga two nights this week. I tried pumping myself up with two concerts this week. My mind still feels restless and wanders somewhere far away. Time goes so slow.

Thursday was spent working then driving around the city with Cory and Brandon. Getting lost on the way to the Kool Haus and seeing a selection of people dressed as pirates down the Queens Quay. Dillinger was incredible as always, with their vocalist singing Justin Timberlake and threatening to stalk 17 year old boys. AFI spent what I saw of their set posing and 're-swooshing' their hair. Even better was Cory's impression of Davey Havok. Street meat afterwards with the sad hot dog vendor selling his wares 'hot dogs, sausage.... sausage hot dog'. A girl puking on the side of the road. Boys with their ears pressed up against the side of the building to catch the last few songs of AFI's set. Back to the car. The security bar was down and Brandon had to lift it while we snuck the car underneath and drove back out onto the streets. Drive home spent listening to screaming and watching the lights flash by and the homesickness for the city returning to my gut.

Misery Signals was wonderful as well. Overall it was one of the best nights I have had in awhile. I met up with Cory and we hit up the subway to the show. We caught the end of The Gorgeous and thankfully all of Misery Signals. Apparently the drummer from Fall Out Boy was there. But who knows because I didn't see him with my own eyes. After Jess O, Mike, Brandon, Cory and myself scoured the city for a free parking spot in order to catch the parking lot Alexisonfire show. One parallel parking job by Jess later we were on our way. That show was awesome and their new songs sound great. Thai food, good weather, good conversation and a subway ride to Finch. Driving home blasting Irony Is A Dead Scene. Hitting an already dead skunk with the Jetta (which still smells) and making me feel physically sick. Cory saying 'I think you popped it' didn't help. Haha.

I just want to enjoy this summer. More time spent like last night just enjoying the company and spontaneous experiences. I miss the city because it gives me this false hope that anything is possible.

So wait up I’m not sleeping alone again tonight
There’s so much to dream about, there must be more to my life

I hate my job. Smiling and happy when I really feel cynical and angry underneath it all. Pushing boxes of frozen food at people who live the same lives day in and day out. I pray I don't become like them. Work 9-5, home and quick dinner for the kids. Wash dishes and sleep. Over and over.

I’m always wishing, I’m always wishing too late
For things to come my way
It always ends up the same

My youth is slipping, my youth is slipping away
Safe in monotony, so safe, day after day

I hate this feeling of counting down the days.

Your signal fades away and all I’m left with is noise

We're not even half way there. My head hurts. Bed awaits for another day of meat products and 'you get four shrimp skewers in a box'.

Oh Messy Life

I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. I got the job. Part time, minimum wage... I keep telling myself it is only for three months, but everything is slipping by so slowly.

Another unexpected phone call came this afternoon. It feels like it has been forever and I just want life to be back the way it was.

I exchange words with friends who are far away. I listen to them talk about how glad they are to be home. How wonderful their town or city is. And I wonder why I'm not as equally pleased.

Hair cut tonight. New glasses as well. Tickets to see Dillinger soon. New game for my Xbox.

I have pulled out a stack of cook books from our kitchen cupboard. Their pages are stained with Crisco fingerprints and spashed of various recipes spilled long ago. I'm planning on typing up selective pages and making a binder to take with me back to the city.

I should make a list of things to do over the next week or so... or summer I suppose....

1. Create cook book
2. Clean up basement
3. Help with backyard landscaping
4. Finish reading the two Sartre books that were lent to me months ago
5. Photoshoot day downtown with Julian
6. Start on other photoshoot idea (people needed!!)
7. Work out and be healthier
8. Make pile of things to be taken back to the city

That list was harder to compile than I thought. Last year I had an entire page of a notebook filled with things to do. Good things too. Most of them didn't happen but I had ideas. Go to the racetrack, get tragus pierced, watch three movies I should have seen. This year? Clean the basement? What happened to me!

9. Stand outside in the rain

I've done that one before. It's refreshing and oddly comforting.

Sometimes I hate the telephone. When I open my mouth to say what is caught in my throat I tend to talk about insignificant things instead. I feel like things have changed even though I know they haven't. Awkwardness. All the while humming 'Yellow Submarine' in the back of my mind.

These days I want to go to bed so early just so the days pass by faster. I would sleep all day if I could. Coma'ing and waking for only special events.

10. Go to Misery Signals, Panic! At the Disco, and Dillinger Escape Plan concerts

If I slept through my first day of work I wouldn't have to deal with the butterflies in my stomach. Worried that I will screw up completely. Worried that I will be stuck there. Worried already about telling them I'm not actually staying after the summer is over.

If I slept I wouldn't have to worry about the change. The months would have felt like moments. Like I had never been away.

If I slept I would feel rested.