Take Me Down

I started reading Everything is Illuminated in August. I finished it tonight. It's strange how things change, as my dislike for this novel suddenly reversed when I picked up again a few days ago. Or how my hatred for the summer changed rapidly when it was over, and how some days I wish I could have it back. But my body doesn't like to stagnate and that is what I did all through the warm months.

My dreams wake me up through what should be a peaceful sleep. Last night I felt your arms around my throat squeezing the life out of me. Then letting go at the last second so I could pull the air back into my fluttering lungs.

--> Strangle; To dream that you or someone else is being strangled, denotes that you are repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

This is odd when things have been better beyond what I thought they would ever be again as of late. I have my old friend back, if nothing else. But passages in books still make me stop and remember. Sometimes I smile when I think of you. This was one of them.

"He knew that I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else. He knew that it is, by love's definition, impossible to love two people."

I don't know why that touched me, but I keep going back to it, reading line by line when I feel the pressure on my chest.

(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(What are your ghosts like?)
(They are on the insides of the lids of my eyes.)
(This is also where my ghosts reside.)
(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(But you are a child.)
(I am not a child.)
(But you have not known love.)
(These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.)

Quiet now. Live in the moment. (It all gets better they say.) I don't want to think about the future anymore.

Cait once told me something I repeat to myself quite often lately; Things are never as big of a deal when you look back on them. There is so much truth in that.

My heart eats me inside and out. I lie on the couch and remember pulling the blanket over my head. Always being pulled; pulled from my sleep, from the furniture to the floor, from clothes, from burdens.

(Love?)
(There is no love. Only the end of love.)