Take Me Down

I started reading Everything is Illuminated in August. I finished it tonight. It's strange how things change, as my dislike for this novel suddenly reversed when I picked up again a few days ago. Or how my hatred for the summer changed rapidly when it was over, and how some days I wish I could have it back. But my body doesn't like to stagnate and that is what I did all through the warm months.

My dreams wake me up through what should be a peaceful sleep. Last night I felt your arms around my throat squeezing the life out of me. Then letting go at the last second so I could pull the air back into my fluttering lungs.

--> Strangle; To dream that you or someone else is being strangled, denotes that you are repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

This is odd when things have been better beyond what I thought they would ever be again as of late. I have my old friend back, if nothing else. But passages in books still make me stop and remember. Sometimes I smile when I think of you. This was one of them.

"He knew that I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else. He knew that it is, by love's definition, impossible to love two people."

I don't know why that touched me, but I keep going back to it, reading line by line when I feel the pressure on my chest.

(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(What are your ghosts like?)
(They are on the insides of the lids of my eyes.)
(This is also where my ghosts reside.)
(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(But you are a child.)
(I am not a child.)
(But you have not known love.)
(These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.)

Quiet now. Live in the moment. (It all gets better they say.) I don't want to think about the future anymore.

Cait once told me something I repeat to myself quite often lately; Things are never as big of a deal when you look back on them. There is so much truth in that.

My heart eats me inside and out. I lie on the couch and remember pulling the blanket over my head. Always being pulled; pulled from my sleep, from the furniture to the floor, from clothes, from burdens.

(Love?)
(There is no love. Only the end of love.)

Anthems For A 20 Year Old Girl

"If you can't find one of them, look for the other and they are sure to be together."

True statement spilled from the lips of an intoxicated friend in the midst of a house get together. All the while I'm pulling smoke into my lungs and smiling underneath it all, feeling like at last I'm breathing you in again through someone else's point of view.

Finding my way home again. Curled up in sleep, far from escaping what this year has brought me. I can feel my arm around you, my fingers visualize the fibers in your coat and you are no longer pushing me away. But I wake up again and it takes moments for it all to become clear that this never happened.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't even know how this feels. One day we are so close, teasing and pulling at each other. And then there are days where I'm sure you will turn your back and walk away.

Used To Be One Of The Rotten Ones And I Liked You For That