Ripchord

The Past Is A Grotesque Animal

2007-04-23T19:17:00.000-04:00

The air conditioning is on and the chill of its breath makes my skin prickle. You love the cold.

>But you know no matter where we are, we're always touching by underground wires

Into The Ocean

2007-03-06T03:16:00.000-05:00

> How did you know I was home?
> The halls were quiet and you were the only sound.

Sleeping Lessons

2007-03-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

I always thought I despised routine. Why do you think I'm an artist? I like instability and mind games. Apparently. But lately routine has brought comfort to the heart.

It's like last year; wake up, go for lunch together, back to the apartment for tea (possibly cheese and crackers), listen to music and chat about life (although this has become less "art talk" or "i love you's" or "the future holds" and more basic small discussion), more tea and later dinner accompanied by a film or two, desert and possibly a late night expedition to the grocery store/tim horton's/standing out in the cold.

He acts like a child once more, stomping in the slush so that it flies in my face. Teasing me. Sometimes making comments that make my mind question the motive, but hope is lost when it comes to us.

Yet it all builds and I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And I find my way back home too early, just wanting to curl up and sleep. Finding latent tears as I have passed the point of hysterical sobbing.

I prefer to stare at my world through a window sheated with ice, like it was last night. Pulling the boy outside to watch the wind blow it away onto the street, darting around puddles only finding one so willing to fill my shoes. Flickering lighters and coats shielding the cold from my cheeks. Paper thin documents of frozen rain fall to the ground in a spectacular installment of the night-storm. The wind making my eyes blush. Catering to the cautious flirting that took place in my head.

Wake Up Exhausted

2007-02-11T18:32:00.000-05:00

I have tried to write an entry three times today. This is the one.

The punch wound on my face is sore and is a clever juxtaposition of this whole situation. But, I haven't talked to "the boy" in three days and it has been good for my health.

Last night Cass dragged me out to a house party where the "other boy" happened to be as well. I didn't think it would be as awkward... as well.... it was. I planned to be friendly and nice, instead I avoided looking and speaking to him. He watched me the entire night. What does that mean?

I ended up drinking an entire bottle of wine and came close to passing out in the cab that Cass forced me to take home. But it was a good night and took my mind off of most things.

And it's terrible how I can go from listening to the newest most pretentious music to the latest catchy hit. Maneater? There goes my street cred. But I don't even care.

I'm ready for a fresh start. A new hit, life, boy, experience. A new outlook.

Brighter....?

2007-02-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

I really love this time of day. Around four o'clock in the afternoon when the sun is making the light in my apartment diffused and soft and I can pretend like it's warm outside. But thoughts of boiling weather scare me these days as I lost so much when I was able to go outside without a coat. The summer is a scary thing. Too many people 'find themselves' and I tend to get lost in the shuffle. Or they find someone else and fool around for an extended period of time and don't bother to tell you until you find out through a bitter friend six months later. SUCH IS LIFE.

But hey, I'm not feeling so cynical right now?

Maybe a little alone. But I think my optimism right now stems from a decent amount of caffeine, sleep, and a new outlook. I've decided to be healthier... Anti-oxidents (POM tea), green tea, mangoes, nectarines, flax seed bread. I think it's the weather.

Matt came to visit on Wednesday and Thursday. A little piece of home and knowing someone would go beat the hell out of the boy if I so much as asked him. I think I needed to recognize that some things that go away might always be there.

Things have reached an all time height of ridiculous. It's sad to admit that ANY kind of drama I have ever faced in high school.... well, life in general.... put together will never reach this point. Is it sad that there is some sort of pride in sporting a fat lip? Even though it hurts enough to make me scrunch my face and hate the war wound that is giving me one more reason to throw my hands in the air and stomp off.

This might be continued later.... For now I'm on a mission to find 6 gauge earrings that won't tear my lobes apart.

Re: Tired

2007-01-29T00:48:00.000-05:00

It's always over before it really begins.

Shut Up I Am Dreaming of Places Where Lovers Have Wings

2007-01-20T03:56:00.000-05:00

It's over. And I made it so.

Why am I stuck on the past where there is someone so wonderful right in front of me. You were my comfort. You were comfortable.

You act like this doesn't hurt you, and I doubt that it is. We'll never talk about it. But I hope that one morning you wake up to find your heart ripping a little at the seams. You will never understand what you put me through.

So hello heart. I remember you now.
Hello third year. You have a chance to become something memorable.
Hello fear.
Hello happiness.
Hello new person in my life.
Hello self.

Nothing will ever replace what was there - I'll always feel the same.
I still love you but it's time to go.

In A Heartbeat

2007-01-11T01:14:00.000-05:00

There are things in my life that will always remind me of certain people. Songs, movies, words, restaurants, streets, photographs, moments. When a person becomes distant from you these items become almost sacred.

There are songs I'm afraid to hear because I don't want to associate them with any other moment. There are movies I can't watch. I want to be curled up and safe again.

I believe a part of the healing process is to revisit these places. Themes. Last semested I found myself walking past a restaurant with a coffee in hand, trying to disassociate with it. Push it away. Find a new memory. And now I almost force myself to listen to those songs and watch those movies and take away the sacredness of those moments.

If it's meant to be it will be again? My whole outlook is such a question mark right now.

I finally sorted out my school schedule and it seems like it will be a good semester. I got into the history class I wanted, I'm in the process of making two books and I will have three gallery shows this year.

Trip to Scotland seems to have failed. Trip to Yukon seems to have potential.

I'm trying not to take everything so personal.

Take Me Down

2006-12-21T00:08:00.000-05:00

I started reading Everything is Illuminated in August. I finished it tonight. It's strange how things change, as my dislike for this novel suddenly reversed when I picked up again a few days ago. Or how my hatred for the summer changed rapidly when it was over, and how some days I wish I could have it back. But my body doesn't like to stagnate and that is what I did all through the warm months.

My dreams wake me up through what should be a peaceful sleep. Last night I felt your arms around my throat squeezing the life out of me. Then letting go at the last second so I could pull the air back into my fluttering lungs.

--> Strangle; To dream that you or someone else is being strangled, denotes that you are repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

This is odd when things have been better beyond what I thought they would ever be again as of late. I have my old friend back, if nothing else. But passages in books still make me stop and remember. Sometimes I smile when I think of you. This was one of them.

"He knew that I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else. He knew that it is, by love's definition, impossible to love two people."

I don't know why that touched me, but I keep going back to it, reading line by line when I feel the pressure on my chest.

(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(What are your ghosts like?)
(They are on the insides of the lids of my eyes.)
(This is also where my ghosts reside.)
(You have ghosts?)
(Of course I have ghosts.)
(But you are a child.)
(I am not a child.)
(But you have not known love.)
(These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.)

Quiet now. Live in the moment. (It all gets better they say.) I don't want to think about the future anymore.

Cait once told me something I repeat to myself quite often lately; Things are never as big of a deal when you look back on them. There is so much truth in that.

My heart eats me inside and out. I lie on the couch and remember pulling the blanket over my head. Always being pulled; pulled from my sleep, from the furniture to the floor, from clothes, from burdens.

(Love?)
(There is no love. Only the end of love.)

Anthems For A 20 Year Old Girl

2006-12-12T14:46:00.000-05:00

"If you can't find one of them, look for the other and they are sure to be together."

True statement spilled from the lips of an intoxicated friend in the midst of a house get together. All the while I'm pulling smoke into my lungs and smiling underneath it all, feeling like at last I'm breathing you in again through someone else's point of view.

Finding my way home again. Curled up in sleep, far from escaping what this year has brought me. I can feel my arm around you, my fingers visualize the fibers in your coat and you are no longer pushing me away. But I wake up again and it takes moments for it all to become clear that this never happened.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't even know how this feels. One day we are so close, teasing and pulling at each other. And then there are days where I'm sure you will turn your back and walk away.

Used To Be One Of The Rotten Ones And I Liked You For That

Love Me or Hate Me

2006-11-07T02:05:00.000-05:00

I feel very much like my fish right now. Chasing each other around their tank, not remembering where they started and then staring at me for answers.

I've never felt so hopeful and so crushed at the same time.

I'm scared that we'll never find each other again. I'm scared that I don't know the ending.

I'm afraid that if this all disintegrates I will never find another moment like we had.

It could happen again. No promises.

I'm patiently impatient and trying so hard to be understanding and venting my right to be furious. Then feeling free and empowered. Then a total wreck curled up on my floor alone sobbing like a stupid girl.

I Could Make You Smile, If You Stayed Awhile... But How Long Will You Stay With Me Baby

2006-09-12T19:38:00.000-04:00

One of my professors said something fantastic today.

[Your photographs] are like being in bed with a lover. You are too close to them at first and it isn't until later than you can find your distance and see everything.

Both parts of that statement are quite relatable right now.

I feel like I'm still stuck in that jazz song I mentioned when it was still the summer. Last year the instruments went from being seperated to together to create something intertwined. Now they have found their own seperate roles and are trying to flow together once again but are standing on different ends of the stage.

I could make you smile if you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me baby

Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight

A Summer Wasting

2006-09-04T23:55:00.000-04:00

I spent the summer counting down the days until I moved back to the city and my life could pick up where it left off. Now everything is different. I feel so lonely. So alone.

I'm stuck in a confusing limbo. My head hurts, my eyes feel drained and feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I just want to cry all the time.

I hope that this sorts out. Or it's going to be a long fall.

Hide and Seek

2006-07-31T00:10:00.000-04:00

I was reading a novel called Nausea by Sartre today and I came across a compelling character that has sort of stuck with me since I finished the book and put it down many hours ago. This girl named Anny strives to notice the perfect moments in her life. The moments where certain things need to be said, when certain things need to be kept quiet. Certain movements controlled and glances accepted or rejected.

I suppose I relate to this to a degree. It isn't as extreme, and unlike Anny I don't feel as though I have outlived myself and haven't come to a point where I feel that there will be no more perfect moments for the rest of my existence. But when I scan through the memories I have of even just this last year I can pull out a few that feel like 'movie moments'. Where the lighting is just perfect. The right song is playing in the background. Those moments that just stick with you.

Sometimes they are in fact terrible moments! But you just can't shake them free because something feels planned and executed to such a mechanical degree.

For me these moments include lying on the floor talking about where to travel after graduation. The perfect song playing on my iPod as I drove home from the barn when the sun was sinking lower into the earth and had reached it's 'level with my eyes' stage. Sitting on a porch downtown while the wind disturbed the trees and lightning flashed around the seven intoxicated students.

And the bad ones, when the tears flowed and the embarassing sobbing was shared over the phone or on the bathroom floor. Sitting. Standing. Fights with parents. Arguments with friends. Complications with others. Feeling arms wrapped around me. My arms pushing away. Back and forth, these moments come and go like the reactions that swell up inside of me.

I guess it is what I live for in a sense. Maybe not normalcy, I tend to lean towars the abnormal. But something constant and alive that will give promises of perfection but lead me through the ups and downs. I tell myself I can't handle the moment but I'm really enjoying the ride.

Moving For The Sake Of Motion

2006-07-24T10:59:00.000-04:00

I'm in the city again but I return back to suburbia soon due to work. I've spent the last few days here, as I do when I have my days off. It's just sort of an escape and I get to relax a bit.

Yesterday I spent the whole day drinking tea while reading Sartre and Vonnegut. Sometimes curled up in bed like a cat soaking in the sun. Sometimes on the couch with a watchful eye on the anti-climatic storm outside that made everything wool grey and damp. That night I called up Julian after he got off work and we went to a local jazz club to drink, chat and watch some live jazz music. Afterwards we walked around and ended up at Fran's to eat something at 1 am then we both went home.

This summer I have really some to appreciate jazz. It's like standing in a crowd. Each instrument is like a person having an individual conversation, but when you tune out slightly it comes together in a formation of sound. It's all distinct but blends together.

It's about five more weeks until I'm living here full time. Embarking on my schedule that is about as spastic as a jazz song, or rather that my head is filled with a thousand spastic ideas or a thousand thoughts about not having any ideas. Bouncing from one coffee shop to the next. Being loyal to the local pubs and bars then navigating back home though the gridlike streets late at night. Looking down at the cars below my window. Moving at a controlled speed together, but separate lives and separate destinations withing each vehicle.

Right now I'm about to embark on my own. Back to the town I grew up in.

For A Lifetime

2006-06-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

The last week has been hectic. I tried to calm myself down with yoga two nights this week. I tried pumping myself up with two concerts this week. My mind still feels restless and wanders somewhere far away. Time goes so slow.

Thursday was spent working then driving around the city with Cory and Brandon. Getting lost on the way to the Kool Haus and seeing a selection of people dressed as pirates down the Queens Quay. Dillinger was incredible as always, with their vocalist singing Justin Timberlake and threatening to stalk 17 year old boys. AFI spent what I saw of their set posing and 're-swooshing' their hair. Even better was Cory's impression of Davey Havok. Street meat afterwards with the sad hot dog vendor selling his wares 'hot dogs, sausage.... sausage hot dog'. A girl puking on the side of the road. Boys with their ears pressed up against the side of the building to catch the last few songs of AFI's set. Back to the car. The security bar was down and Brandon had to lift it while we snuck the car underneath and drove back out onto the streets. Drive home spent listening to screaming and watching the lights flash by and the homesickness for the city returning to my gut.

Misery Signals was wonderful as well. Overall it was one of the best nights I have had in awhile. I met up with Cory and we hit up the subway to the show. We caught the end of The Gorgeous and thankfully all of Misery Signals. Apparently the drummer from Fall Out Boy was there. But who knows because I didn't see him with my own eyes. After Jess O, Mike, Brandon, Cory and myself scoured the city for a free parking spot in order to catch the parking lot Alexisonfire show. One parallel parking job by Jess later we were on our way. That show was awesome and their new songs sound great. Thai food, good weather, good conversation and a subway ride to Finch. Driving home blasting Irony Is A Dead Scene. Hitting an already dead skunk with the Jetta (which still smells) and making me feel physically sick. Cory saying 'I think you popped it' didn't help. Haha.

I just want to enjoy this summer. More time spent like last night just enjoying the company and spontaneous experiences. I miss the city because it gives me this false hope that anything is possible.

So wait up I’m not sleeping alone again tonight
There’s so much to dream about, there must be more to my life

I hate my job. Smiling and happy when I really feel cynical and angry underneath it all. Pushing boxes of frozen food at people who live the same lives day in and day out. I pray I don't become like them. Work 9-5, home and quick dinner for the kids. Wash dishes and sleep. Over and over.

I’m always wishing, I’m always wishing too late
For things to come my way
It always ends up the same

My youth is slipping, my youth is slipping away
Safe in monotony, so safe, day after day

I hate this feeling of counting down the days.

Your signal fades away and all I’m left with is noise

We're not even half way there. My head hurts. Bed awaits for another day of meat products and 'you get four shrimp skewers in a box'.

Oh Messy Life

2006-06-09T03:18:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. I got the job. Part time, minimum wage... I keep telling myself it is only for three months, but everything is slipping by so slowly.

Another unexpected phone call came this afternoon. It feels like it has been forever and I just want life to be back the way it was.

I exchange words with friends who are far away. I listen to them talk about how glad they are to be home. How wonderful their town or city is. And I wonder why I'm not as equally pleased.

Hair cut tonight. New glasses as well. Tickets to see Dillinger soon. New game for my Xbox.

I have pulled out a stack of cook books from our kitchen cupboard. Their pages are stained with Crisco fingerprints and spashed of various recipes spilled long ago. I'm planning on typing up selective pages and making a binder to take with me back to the city.

I should make a list of things to do over the next week or so... or summer I suppose....

1. Create cook book
2. Clean up basement
3. Help with backyard landscaping
4. Finish reading the two Sartre books that were lent to me months ago
5. Photoshoot day downtown with Julian
6. Start on other photoshoot idea (people needed!!)
7. Work out and be healthier
8. Make pile of things to be taken back to the city

That list was harder to compile than I thought. Last year I had an entire page of a notebook filled with things to do. Good things too. Most of them didn't happen but I had ideas. Go to the racetrack, get tragus pierced, watch three movies I should have seen. This year? Clean the basement? What happened to me!

9. Stand outside in the rain

I've done that one before. It's refreshing and oddly comforting.

Sometimes I hate the telephone. When I open my mouth to say what is caught in my throat I tend to talk about insignificant things instead. I feel like things have changed even though I know they haven't. Awkwardness. All the while humming 'Yellow Submarine' in the back of my mind.

These days I want to go to bed so early just so the days pass by faster. I would sleep all day if I could. Coma'ing and waking for only special events.

10. Go to Misery Signals, Panic! At the Disco, and Dillinger Escape Plan concerts

If I slept through my first day of work I wouldn't have to deal with the butterflies in my stomach. Worried that I will screw up completely. Worried that I will be stuck there. Worried already about telling them I'm not actually staying after the summer is over.

If I slept I wouldn't have to worry about the change. The months would have felt like moments. Like I had never been away.

If I slept I would feel rested.