Hide and Seek

I was reading a novel called Nausea by Sartre today and I came across a compelling character that has sort of stuck with me since I finished the book and put it down many hours ago. This girl named Anny strives to notice the perfect moments in her life. The moments where certain things need to be said, when certain things need to be kept quiet. Certain movements controlled and glances accepted or rejected.

I suppose I relate to this to a degree. It isn't as extreme, and unlike Anny I don't feel as though I have outlived myself and haven't come to a point where I feel that there will be no more perfect moments for the rest of my existence. But when I scan through the memories I have of even just this last year I can pull out a few that feel like 'movie moments'. Where the lighting is just perfect. The right song is playing in the background. Those moments that just stick with you.

Sometimes they are in fact terrible moments! But you just can't shake them free because something feels planned and executed to such a mechanical degree.

For me these moments include lying on the floor talking about where to travel after graduation. The perfect song playing on my iPod as I drove home from the barn when the sun was sinking lower into the earth and had reached it's 'level with my eyes' stage. Sitting on a porch downtown while the wind disturbed the trees and lightning flashed around the seven intoxicated students.

And the bad ones, when the tears flowed and the embarassing sobbing was shared over the phone or on the bathroom floor. Sitting. Standing. Fights with parents. Arguments with friends. Complications with others. Feeling arms wrapped around me. My arms pushing away. Back and forth, these moments come and go like the reactions that swell up inside of me.

I guess it is what I live for in a sense. Maybe not normalcy, I tend to lean towars the abnormal. But something constant and alive that will give promises of perfection but lead me through the ups and downs. I tell myself I can't handle the moment but I'm really enjoying the ride.